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How to Help and not Enable Your Adult Child

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Ah, the joy of having an adult child living at home! 

 

Yes, that was meant to be sarcastic – but actually, is it really that bad?  It shouldn’t be.  It should instead be a time to appreciate the wonderous and delightful child that you have had a hand in creating – er, raising…er, well, actually both.  The fact that he or she has moved back in with you is a testament to how well (or how poorly) you have raised that child.  “Moving back home” can be a very positive and productive way for adult children to improve their overall circumstances – but it may also have a negative side.

 

Adult children move home for a variety of reasons.  Perhaps it’s for financial reasons, maybe it’s because he or she is still in school – or maybe it’s because he or she is struggling with life’s inevitable challenges.  Of course, there are many other reasons why this might be the case…but either way, if you are the parent of an adult child that has moved back home then you know what it’s like to be put in the unenviable position of raising a “boomerang kid.”

 

Boomerang Kids

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A “boomerang kid,” by definition, is a (typically) adult child that moves away from home – but who ends up moving back for any variety of reasons.  There’s nothing wrong with being a “boomerang kid” – and just because you have one doesn’t mean that you have failed as a parent.  What DOES matter, however, is whether or not the circumstances are healthy.

 

What do I mean by this?  Well, is your child living at home because it is a step towards bettering his or her life?  Or is your child living with you because…well, it makes life easier for him or her?  Sure, there are other reasons for having an adult child living at home – but let’s stick with these two very generic reasons.

 

How Does Your Adult Child Make You Feel?

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To put it quite plainly, if you are unhappy with your living situation (by having your adult child living at home) then it is likely because you are having to provide more care for him or her than you should have to – or perhaps it’s because he or she is being disrespectful, irresponsible, annoying, inconsiderate, entitled, lazy, or in some other way difficult to deal with.  These behaviors are unacceptable - and if you are, for some reason, accepting them, then you are likely enabling your adult child.

 

Here’s the thing:  If you have an adult child living at home, then he or she should appreciate the fact that you have agreed to such an arrangement.  It certainly isn’t a requirement for you to do so.  He or she should be doing anything and everything within their power to make things as easy as possible for you.  If this isn’t happening, then there’s a problem.  It could be a problem with your adult child – or, it might be a problem with you.

 

How can you tell?

 

Well, one thing that needs to be kept in mind is that your child is living with you as a favor (assuming he or she doesn’t have a physical, psychological, developmental, or other such issue).  You are essentially helping your child (presumably) because you love him or her – and there’s obviously nothing wrong with that.

 

There is, however, a difference between HELPING and ENABLING your adult child living at home.

 

1. If you constantly feel as though you are being taken advantage of – then you may not be “helping” your child – you may be enabling him or her instead.

2. If you are forking out money simply to avoid confrontation – then you are likely enabling your adult child.

3. If you are supporting his or her substance abuse issues by giving rides to the liquor store (or elsewhere), by providing money for such substances, or by “looking the other way” (when you shouldn’t be) – then you might be engaging in “enabling” behaviors.

4. If you feel like a prisoner in your own home – then you are likely being taken advantage of – and possibly enabling your child.

5. If you are ignoring red flags or allowing things to happen that you wouldn’t otherwise allow – then it’s time to re-evaluate your living situation.

6. If you make excuses for your child and/or sugar-coat your circumstances then you are likely fooling yourself.  It’s time to make a change.

 

However,

 

1. If your adult child helps around the house, takes care of his or her responsibilities, and is considerate, respectful, and an overall joy to be around – well, then it sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement.

2. If your adult child has a “future plan” in place and is working diligently towards that plan- then you are likely helping your child.

3. If your child is living at home to save money – and is actually doing that, then you have probably made the right decision by having him or her live at home.

4. If having your adult child living at home makes your home a happier place – then you have probably made the right decision.

 

So, where does that leave us? 

 

Allowing an adult child to live at home can be incredibly difficult – but it can also be rewarding beyond belief. 

 

If you are miserable by having your adult child living at home – then the problem lies more with you than it does with your adult child.  Why?  Because it is you that is allowing it to happen.

 

“But I can’t just kick him or her out in to the street,” you might be thinking.  Well, what could be more motivating to an adult child with no place to call home – than to be in a circumstance which requires effort?  Sure, this may not always work…addiction, mental health issues, and other factors might come into play – but enabling these behaviors (by trying to address them on your own or by ignoring them) will not make them better.  Assess the situation and get your adult child help, if needed.  If he or she is simply lazy, disrespectful, or opportunistic – then an “eviction notice” is not only an option – but is warranted.